isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
