3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
