Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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