you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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