ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My penis needs a shock collar
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
