my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
