My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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