I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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