I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize