this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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