Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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