The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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