i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize