Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
