Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
