Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
