If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
