I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
