Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
