I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
