she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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