Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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