Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
