Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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