ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
