Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
