I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
