Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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