i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
