I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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