I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
