just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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