had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
