I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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