I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
