god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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