I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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