I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize