The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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