Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
