The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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