It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
