Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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