cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
