Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
