hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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