he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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