Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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