The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
