This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
