I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
