That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
