Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
