You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
