i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
