Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
