She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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