I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
