if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize