just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
