I wannas sexs uuuuu
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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