Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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