he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
