WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize